The Great Big Crossover
by Vrele
Summary: Wrote this on a whim. Read the author's note. Rated for suggestive themes, mebbe. Review, please. And read the notes before you review.
1. Renesmee's Toothache

**Author's Note: ** Hey there, again. So, this can be a one-shot if that's what you want. It's all up to you; tell me if ya want another chapter. It will come.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own anything ya recognize, y'all know that.

**Warning: **Only two straight couples (well, I can't make an innocent Renesmee yuri, can I? Nor can I make her Rose's kid if Rosalie's yuri, now can I?), massive, MASSIVE, non-canon pairings, a pissed Rosalie, etc… Oh, and UKEROTH!! XD

**Pairings: **There are 8; I'll put this in the end, in case anyone's confused. Though I don't think anyone will be.

* * *

The day was bright; too bright for anyone (any_-vampire_, that is) to be outside. Alice sat in the living room, reading – ironically – _Breaking Dawn_, by Stephenie Meyer. She was just getting to the part where her soul mate was discovering her state of pregnancy when Renesmee came in, muttering something along the lines of "Damn these braces", but worse.

"Nessie, language!" chided Alice. "And who taught you that word?"

Said half-vampire peered up at her innocently, eyes going wide.

"Draco did! Auntie Ally, what do you when you get a toothache?" her aunt frowned.

"I think you try to distract yourself, dearie. Why don't you go ask your dad for a Blood Pop? Your eyes are black." Nessie nodded, then ran off. Alice called Rosalie, who appeared beside in two minutes, not in a really good mood, as she'd been in the middle of hunting.

"What?" the Seer smirked.

"Guess what Draco taught your daughter?" and she uttered the obscenity that her niece had used.

The blonde growled. "MALFOY!!!"

* * *

Carlisle perched on the counter and watched as Esme bustled in the kitchen, cooking up feast –literally- for her lover, Sephiroth, Harry, Draco, Cloud, Zack and Ciel for dinner.

Footsteps echoed, approaching rapidly. Draco sprinted in and promptly lunged into his mate's arms, transforming into a cute little ferret in midair and landing right into Carlisle's hands.

"Hide me!"

And then Rosalie was stomping in. "Come out, you piece of – hey Carlisle, hey Esme." The former cocked his head: "What'd he do _now_?"

But it wasn't Rose who answered. Harry sighed, appearing behind his wife to calm her down.

"He taught Renesmee a swear word."

Carlisle immediately tapped ferret-Draco between the eyes.

"Oi!"

"Punishment."

* * *

Jasper lunged within Edward's embrace, the glittering – literally – couple relaxing in the sunlight coming in through the window in Edward's room. There was a knock on the door, and without waiting for an answer, their niece walked in, Blood Pop in mouth. She handed another one to each of them, which they took gratefully.

"My teeth #$%^&*-ing hurt." Her uncles didn't even blink at the word; Rosalie downstairs had been loud enough. Draco was a dead ferret.

"Braces?" at the girl's nod, Jasper said, "It'll pass. How 'bout you go find Jake?" the four-year-old nodded, and disappeared.

Edward claimed his Fated's lips – and later, the rest of him, but that's another story – as soon as the door clicked shut.

Thank the wizarding world for _Silencio._

*

Bella poked at a pretty flower Yuffie had just transplanted on the border of Edward's meadow.

"This is a surprise for Esme?" Yuffie nodded.

"Yeah! Not a word, 'kay?"

"… 'kay." Just then Renesmee zipped past.

"No, sorry dearie! Try asking Billy!" Bella called after her. Then she turned back o the hyper girl.

"How'd you get them pots here without her knowing?"

Esme's lover grinned, shrugged and continued her gardening.

*

Sephiroth was curled on the sofa, head on Emmett's lap, dozing lightly, when –

"SEBAAAAAAAASTIEEEEEEEN!!!" Cloud's voice was _very loudly _heard through the wall, and Seph abruptly disappeared from the room. There was a bang as he kicked the door, hard.

"Scream once more, I WILL KILL YOU!" Em raised an eyebrow as his silver haired uke stompied back, Masamune in hand, muttering about noisy, vocal blonds. He'd distinctly heard an 'eep' from the next room over.

Wow.

* * *

Zack sneaked up behind Ciel and hugged him suddenly, wrapping his arms around the 16*-year-old Phantomhive's waist.

"Pedophile!" said the boy, all the while turning to bury his (red, burning, crimson) face into Zack's chest. The older one effortlessly lifted his young boyfriend and made his way to the room they shared, stuck in a lip lock with the blue haired English.

* * *

**End Note: **…Aaand that's how 'original' I am. *looks around* who wants another chapter? I don't expect to be updating this a lot, though. If I _do_ make more than one chapter of this, I _still _won't make a real plot, just small things – in this case, Renesmee's toothache and things of the sort. It'll be a collection of massive crossover one-shots!

All in all, review and tell me what you think. If y'all want another chapter, please suggest stuff to cross!

-- Oh yeah, I almost forgot.

**Pairings: **Carlisle/Draco; Esme/Yuffie; Alice/Belle; Rosalie/Harry (straight #1); Edward/Jasper; Emmett/Sephiroth (this, my dears, is Ukeroth.); Cloud/Sebastien; Ciel/Zack; Renesmee/Jacob (straight #2).

The stories I crossed were Twilight (the saga), Final Fantasy and Kuroshitsuji. Try not to suggest any of them, keep it original! I'll do the pairing. :D

**Btw:** the world this is in is Twilight's, 'cause they have a nice big mansion-house-thingy.

Again, review and tell me what you think about this. Have a nice time!

- ~'Vrele


	2. Tea Party at Cloud's

**Author's Note: **Hey! You're still here!! Nice :P Again, I wrote this other chapter on a whim. But this has more details.. I guess? Again, no explicit stuff. (suggestive themes don't count as 'explicit'.) Review!

**Disclaimer: **Don't own a thing. You should know that.

**Warning: **Suggestive themes everywhere, ridiculous length, cannibalism (haha, figuratively), and..... slurring.

* * *

Cloud opened the door to his house, dropping his messenger bag to the side and closing the door behind him. He looked up the stairs as the sound of combat boots on wood was heard.

"Mia, what the hell are you doing here!?"

The princess calmly looked up. "Oh hi Cloud. Lily dragged me here."

"Why would Lily drag you here!?"

"I dunno." Mia yawned, then continued downstairs to open the door. "Bye!" with that, she exited and left, leaving one blond male quite confused.

And then the door suddenly slammed open, slamming the air out of Cloud. "Oof!"

"Sorry. Um, I heard Mia was here. Is she?"

"No, she just left!" Strife was quickly getting pissed and confused, what with the least expected people turning up at his house. He stomped up the stairs, throwing open the door –

- to the sight of a _tea party _in full swing right in his sitting room.

"Why _hello_, Mr. Strife! And how was your day?" A British accent…Cloud spun to see… Blaise Zabini!?

"Why the hell are you here?! What the hell are all of you people doing here!?" he burst, looking around the room.

One Jasper Cullen raised a teacup. "Why, we're having a tea party, of course."

"Whee!!!" Someone whooped in the background: Mitsukuni Hani.

Well, this was getting better and better, wasn't it?

"Why _my _house? Why not..." Cloud looked around the room, "Why not Draco's house!?" the Slytherin waved elegantly from his corner.

"_Because, _dearie, my parents are being _indecent._" Note the emphasis on the last word.

"Mmph…"

And then Zack Fair appeared, a bag of flour in his hands, and he pranced around the room, daintily pouring the contents into everyone's cups. When he was done he stood next to Cloud.

"CHEERS! DRINK UP!" he suddenly screamed. Cloud flinched and punched him in the face, completely from reflex.

"WHAT THE HELL!"

Everyone drank up, and chaos abruptly erupted mere seconds later.

Jasper's eyes became half-lidded. He got up, sauntered unsteadily to Draco, and stood before him, predatory look deep within the golden orbs.

"Heyyy, Draaacoooo. Waaaannaaaa dooooo somethiiiing?" he slurred.

"ooo! Ooo! Do what, do what!?" the Malfoy heir leapt to his feet and bounced up and down, managing to twitch crazily at the same time.

"Thiiiiiiiiiissssss…" Jasper leaned down and was about to capture –

"PDA! PDAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" someone shouted: one Kyo Sohma jumped up and pointed at the now-lip-locked couple, who were blatantly ignoring him.

Cloud turned to glare at Zack. "That wasn't flour, was it?"

"Flour? I never said it was flour!" Zack exclaimed, eyes wide, as if appalled. "Flour sucks; why would I put flour in perfectly good tea?" He held out a delicate teacup, filled to the brim.

"Want some?" Cloud looked him over, suspicious.

"You better not have put anything in it."

"I swear, I didn't put flour in it! Jeez!"

Keeping his eyes on the other, Cloud took the cup and sipped. It was _very _sweet; he downed everything.

The world went instantly hazy. Cloud looked around the room, eyes landing on a dark-haired boy sitting in a secluded corner. He wore specs that covered the greenest eyes he'd ever seen…

He licked his lips and approached, only stopping when he was practically inhaling the boy's neck.

"Hey there." For some reason, he blew softly into the boy's ear, smiling when he shivered.

"Uhh…hi."

"I am Cloud Strife. What's your name?"

"Uh… Harry Potter…?"

Cloud pulled back, devious grin playing on his lips, and a heartbeat later he was upon Harry, ravishing the boy for all he was worth.

~*~

Zack was staring at Cloud, watching even as clothes started flying.

That is, until something furry ran up his leg –

Needless to say, he squealed quite loudly – even louder as the fur ball brushed against his crotch. He sprinted for the bathroom.

Once within, he pulled out the rat from his pants.

"WHAT THE F*CK!" he tossed the rat, who did a 360 flip and turned into one yuki Sohma, who calmly landed on his toes in the bathtub.

"Seriously, did you _absolutely _have to squeal like a girl? Did you!?"

"What were you doing in my pants!?" Zack frantically sipped on his tea, until finally he gave up and gulped the whole thing.

"Where'd you get the tea, anyway?" Yuki went on as if Zack had never spoken.

A pause; 2 minutes passed silently in the bathroom.

"You're nude," Presently Zack observed; his voice suddenly very silky. Yuki noticed a predatory glint in the man's eyes, and his voice became just cunning.

Slowly looking down at himself, he lifted his head, drawled: "Why, so I am."

"You know what that means?"

Yuki lowered his eyes, suggestively. "Hmm…. Nope."

Zack growled and pounced.

~*~

Outside the bathroom , Ayame Sohma badly needed to pee. He'd been knocking violently for minutes now, but so far, all he'd gotten for an answer included "MMPH!" , "AARGH!!" and "ZAAAACK!!". It was Very Irrelevant.

"Oy," said a voice behind him; Ayame whirled to see a blond with blue eyes, tilting his head curiously.

"Yeah, hi. Uh, you _do_ know that there's another bathroom around here, right?"

Ayame's eyes widened. "Where the f*ck is it!?"

The blond raised an eyebrow. "Down the hall, to the left. My name's Naruto, by the way." He added, trailing behind. He waited patiently outside while Ayame rushed in.

Presently Sohma came out, holding to unopened bottles.

"Where'd you get that?" Naruto inquired, mildly surprised at the fact there were drinks in the _bathroom._

Then again, he'd seen Zack going in with a big box some time ago.

"Never mind." Somehow pulling out a bottle opener from thin air, Ayame opened one and finished a third of the alcohol in one go.

His pupils abruptly dilated. Alarmed, Naruto knelt to check – and promptly crashed on his back, trapped under one _famished _snake.

He found himself not complaining.

~*~

One Sasuke Uchiha and one Neji Hyuuga were sitting in the center of everything, watching the chaos unfurl with a certain degree of detachedness.

One Hatsuharu Sohma and one Edward Anthony Masen Cullen watched them, completely disregarding the disorder. Both had drank the spiked tea, and now both had but one thing in mind:

Hungry. And this was definitely _not _in the food way.

Right now they were both seated at the back of the room, and both were pretty sure the object of their _full_ attention had felt the eyes on them.

Not that they were bothered.

Presently Edward smirked evilly and stood gracefully; Haru followed. They glided forward silently until they were a meter from Sasuke and Neji, and without warning the two boys were pulled from their seats and found themselves suddenly locked in separate bedrooms, each with someone towering over (a few centimetres) over them, staring at their bodies as one would a particularly delicious meal. Neji wasn't sure to welcome or to dislike the way Edward was looking at him; whereas Sasuke _just couldn't _seem to get his thrice-damned eyes off the joint of the leather-clad legs before him…

~*~

Kyo yelped when cold fingers brushed the nape of his neck; he turned to glare at his lover. Sephiroth grinned, leaned down and planted a kiss fresh from France (1).

It quickly grew into something that required very, very speedy shedding of clothes…

~*~

Carlisle sighed in his car when it started pouring cats and dogs (i.e., raining very heavily). It meant a grand traffic jam on the highway and he most certainly was _not_ looking forward to it.

His eyes were wandering when it on a cloaked figure standing in the rain staring at the Strife boy's house. It held no umbrella, and from what Carlisle could see, it was drenched. He carefully drove over and opened the passenger door.

"You want to get in?" The man jumped, turned, stared at him, somewhat disbelievingly. Carlisle saw now that the cloak had red cloud embroidered on it, and he wondered what they meant.

Their eyes met; Carlisle heard a faint "ah", then the man got in.

"What's your name?"

"Itachi."

"Who are you waiting for?"

"My brother. You?"

"My son."

Topaz clashed with crimson again, but this time they remained that way – locked onto each other, and it seemed to Carlisle as if he could read the man's past through those eyes. They both leaned over, lips met above the hand break: a wordless self-introduction...

~*~

Back inside the house, Gaara straddled his best friend's lap, head intoxicated with the mako-poisoned sugar(2) and alcohol.

"Y'know..." he was slurring. A giant headache drained him for a while, and he pressed his forehead to the (very much sober) bespectacled 20-year-old's shoulder.

"I've...always had a crush on someone. A boy. It's kinda weird, eh? I mean...I never even been with a girl before..."

"That so?" Hatori was swirling inside, but outside it was nothing more than a raised eyebrow.

"Yeeeeeeeeah. Wanna guess who?" Though...I think it's probably veeeeery obvious.... Ugh..."Gaara groaned as another wave consumed his energy again.

"Anywaaaaayyyy....guess."

"Uh..." Hatori scanned the room, "Neji?"

"No! Noooooo..."

"...Draco?"

"Nooo!! Giiiiiive uuuuuuup?" Gaara sounded frustrated, and Hatori wondered what he did wrong.

"Uhh, okay."

Gaara rolled his eyes _very _slowly. "It's you siiiiiiiilly!!" he giggled, something quite uncharacteristic for him. He watched Sohma's eyes widen.

"Me?"

Gaara glared*. "Well, how do you want me to prove it?"

"Um..." Then, because he'd been longing for this since... well, since he'd first met Gaara, Hatori stated, "Kiss me."

Gaara grinned*. "Happy to oblige, dearie," and he leaned forward, tongue darting to lick Hatori's lips – it promptly drove the both of them crazy, and they both proceeded to eat each other up until the next morning.

_

* * *

Zack: __Aaaaaaand that is how 9 very strange couples came to be, all over the course of one tea party – thrown by ME! Admit it, you love me. 'Kay, I have to go now; Cloudy wants to kill me._

_Cloud: __ZACHARY FAIR! GET HERE AND CLEAN UP THE MESS OR DIE!

* * *

_

**End Note: **Eeep. Hope you guys liked it; I wrote 9 pages of this thing! NINE! But now that the deed is done, please tell me if you liked it or not. Flames will go to making my soup. Yummy! XD

**Pairings in case it was confusing: **Cloud Strife / Harry Potter; Jasper Whitlock Cullen / Draco Malfoy; Zachary Fair / Yuki Sohma; Ayame Sohma / Naruto Uzumaki; Sasuke Uchiha / Hatsuharu Sohma; Kyo Sohma / Sephiroth; Carlisle Cullen / Itachi Uchiha; Gaara / Hatori Sohma.

**I mixed: **Final Fantasy, Twilight, Fruits Basket, Naruto Shippuden, Harry Potter.

...NINE COUPLES. I quite think I deserve reviews from you very nice readers. Pweety pwease with whatever you like on top?

Again, if y'all want, you can suggest stuff to crossover. ^_^ I'll let y'all do the couples for the next chapter! And perhaps write a scene for your favourite couple? :D PM me for this.

Have a nice day!

~ 'Vrele


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